I wish I could even begin to express the level of sadness, anger and despair that I have been feeling for the last month. Yes, I still put on my makeup and happy face for the outside world (when I actually get to leave the house) but it has become more and more difficult to bother.
I keep trying to talk to DH about how I feel. He keeps avoiding it - or worse - turning it into a discussion about him. I love him. I know he is more hurt, mentally and physically, than I will ever be - but damn it!!! For ONCE can we discuss how I am struggling??? Three weeks ago I literally broke down. I was sobbing beyond control, still unable to find a provider in our area that treated caregivers and was knowledgeable about PTSD, and I told DH I thought I needed to go to the hospital. His exact words to me were that there was nothing wrong with me. And I felt something break inside me...
You know, taken alone, I can handle many aspects of PTSD. It has always been DH's ability to show some measure of affection (a hug, a kiss, a squeeze of my hand, and I love you) that allowed me to manage the other crap. But in the last six months even those little crumbs have disappeared and I found the bricks of PTSD stacking up in front of me and no matter how hard I tried to scale the growing wall that I just could not... My energy, the little crumbs, was gone and I just couldn't do it anymore.
I finally found a counselor and had two sessions last week. I came out of each very encouraged. Refreshed, ready to battle the PTSD monster, even. And then, this weekend, my DH told me we were over...
Because I didn't understand what he was going through. And I was ENRAGED! "I" did not understand what "HE" was going through?!?!?!?! I am still enraged, though in lower case today. Maybe that is just acquiescence. He says I want him to just forget what happened in Iraq. That I don't want him to talk about it. And I am unsure who DH has been living with if he believes this. It would be the ultimate act of trust if DH shared his Iraq experiences with me!! How would I NOT want that much trust from the man I love? And wanting him to forget??? I had planned a surprise party with his Platoon for this summer so that they could all be together!!!
I am hurt and shocked and scared. And I will survive. I just haven't figured out how as yet...
Good Lord, this sucks!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
2 comments:
Hi, I'm a new follower. I started reading your blog tonight and I have to say that this post reminds me a lot of how things are with my husband. Whenever we start to get into serious discussions it's always the "you want me to forget xyz and I can't" argument. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. I hope things get better for you two!
Thank you! Things have been getting back on track finally! The day after I wrote this entry DH basically hit rock bottom and contacted his case manager asking for intense help.
It's a process. Generally, we have a pretty good handle on the ups and downs in our life. Since October we have bee struggling. I will blog about that soon - things just piled up emotionally. I was unable to find a therapist, DH had one but he wasn't getting the trauma services promised so his needs weren't being met.
I want to thank you for following my blog. I write when life allows and I hope that in telling our story others won't feel so alone and different.
Post a Comment