Humiliated... Thank you hubby.

Earlier tonight I was watching an episode of "Say Yes to the Dress". The bride was plus sized and her entourage was brutal with their comments regarding how she looked in her gown selections. They reduced her to tears as she left the runway. I felt terrible for her. The gown she looked so lovely in they were the most awful about. And I knew how she felt as she was publicly humiliated. My husband did it to me yesterday.

I am very chatty, always have been. I am even more so now, since I rarely get out of the house except to the VA and my husband has drawn so far into himself that he rarely will hold a conversation with me. So, I was thanking the girl at the college for assisting me in correcting my son's home of record to in district. In thanking her we began talking as she walked me out. Unbeknownst to me, my husband was mocking me behind my back. All three of the ladies in the office burst into laughter as he mouthed, "talk, talk, talk" with hand motions. Sadly, I turned in time to witness it. I thanked the girl, said goodbye and as I turned to walk out of the admissions office I began to cry.

I walked as quickly as I could to our vehicle, easily leaving my husband behind as he attempted to catch up. He admitted he does that all of the time behind my back and I was crushed. My father did this to me daily when I was growing up - he still does it to this day and I am 44 years old. It's humiliating and something my husband hates about my father. Yet, my own husband did the same thing.

When the girl on the show began to cry I turned to my husband and said, "That is exactly how you made me feel yesterday.". He didn't comment. I didn't look at him as I spoke so I don't know if he reacted at all.

I don't know how to come to terms with how I feel about him mocking me publicly. I've always been delicate where self esteem and body/personality image comes in to play. It makes me wonder what else he is mocking me about. I have gained considerable weight in the last 4 years of being at home and caring for him. I am in my mid forties and starting to look old. And I have never really liked myself all that much.

On top of that, my son moved out yesterday. He just can't handle the PTSD roller coaster any more. He is also fed up with the constant fighting that comes when the PTSD demon is in the house. I am always the preferred target but if I am not around my son was his next target. I am sad. I know it is going to be hard for him living elsewhere. He was using my vehicle because his needs a new clutch. He needs almost 4k in tools for his Associates degree classes. He needs gas money. he has no job and is in school full time.

We're meeting for lunch on Friday so that we can talk about how I can continue to help him so that he can stay in school. I never thought my son would have to move out in order to have some peace although I totally know how he feels. I am sad that he is gone. He is a pain in the ass and he doesn't follow our rules and he is a slob. But he is my only child and I feel like I let him down. Failed him. And it just adds to my self hatred.

I wish I could find a therapist that gets the whole "my husband has PTSD and it is running our lives but I am NOT looking to leave him" thing. I have struck out twice. I already take depression and anxiety meds so maybe I need to get those reevaluated... Or maybe my husband could attempt to get some help. he refuses to talk to his therapist about his war trauma. He blames everybody but himself for his life and his actions. He takes no responsibility for his actions and is unapologetic. He is unable to take psych meds - they make him suicidal. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle, and I am exhausted from it.